Men and mess-ups: PlanetRomeo’s horror stories
Dating can be a minefield, can’t it? No matter who you are, it seems inevitable that at one point or another, you’re going to have a bad – or at least weird – date. But that’s OK. Having a weird date means you can prepare better for your future dates – and it gives you a great story to tell your friends. Thankfully, PlanetRomeo makes dating easy. You don’t have to leave your house to find a guy, have a conversation, swap pics and find out every little detail about him before you meet up. But sometimes, even the best planned dates can go a little awry. We asked some of the guys in our PlanetRomeo office for some of their weirdest dating stories – and got some very interesting results…
The cubicle cruiser
I was in the cubicle of a sex bar. During sex, this guy liked to talk about his fantasy of being a whore working for a pimp. However his real kink was to count out loud, saying how much money he would make per date, and then per day, per week, per month. He wanted to cum while counting but it was taking forever, with no end in sight. In the end, I had to politely apologize and walked out.
Years ago, when I was still living in South Germany, I met a cute ballet dancer through PlanetRomeo. When we got to my place, it turned out this marvelous guy with the perfect body and angelic face was really into fisting.
Unfortunately, my hands were simply too big (or his asshole too small) for this kind of fun. He got almost desperate and was searching my whole flat for something to use. He found my great grandfather’s sword in its silver case, but it turned out it was too thin. But after a while he discovered the cucumber in my fridge, still in its cellophane. We decided to use it and, after some fun, he left drained and satisfied.
At that time I was pretty short on money and had to save every penny. As the cucumber was still in its plastic, I just gave it a scrub under some hot water and put it back in my fridge.
The next day, my best friend came over to watch some TV. After a while, he got hungry and asked if I had anything to eat. I told him to look in the fridge and take whatever he wanted. Of course, he chose the cucumber. I didn’t say anything but prepared him a nice cucumber and tomato salad. Afterwards, as he complimented me on being such a good chef, I decided to tell him that this cucumber had a certain ‘history’. He went straight to the toilet and was sick. Even many years later, whenever we saw a cucumber, we both had to laugh.
The disappointing escort
For years I’ve had this fantasy of booking an escort, so I went online and found the perfect guy. Beautiful, ripped body and a very handsome face. There was minimal chitchat, we agreed on the price and he came over. When he arrived he asked to take a shower, which I found strange but fine. The guy now standing naked before me had a completely different physique from the one in the photos. “Yeah, I stopped using steroids” he explained casually. And it was all downhill from there.
After I sucked him off and ate his ass for a bit he still wasn’t hard, so I offered him Kamagra. He declined, as he had already taken some. Then I wanted him to suck me off and he said: “No, I don’t suck”. What? That wasn’t listed on his profile. It was very unenjoyable and as soon as I became aware of that, it became even more unenjoyable. How could I get this guy to leave?
After ten minutes he still wasn’t hard and he asked me for some Kamagra, which I gave him. He immediately offered to fuck me (shouldn’t this stuff kick in first?) which he then did with a limp dick. When he needed a pee break I jerked off and took a shower, which was his cue to leave. It would have been more fun to light the cash and watch it burn.
Mix ‘n’ match couples
A while ago, I was seeing this guy and we decided to go shopping together. While we were in Topman, we ran into my ex – who was also on a date with my date’s ex. What are the odds of that happening? The four of us tried to have a normal conversation but there was some tension between us, and after about five minutes we quickly went somewhere else. It was a very strange, unexpected and awkward encounter for all of us…
I met a guy named Pebbles in a club in Stuttgart. I thought his name was unusual – it reminded me of the Flintstones. And I was right – when we went to his apartment, it was full of Flintstones figures, towels and accessories.
But then it got worse. We ended up in a sex room with a sling in the middle. The whole room was covered with mirrors, so everywhere you looked, you saw your own reflection. As well as this, there was a mirror ball in the corner. I really wanted to leave, but as the guy was so hot I thought I’d give it a try. So we got in position, and just when we were about to finish, he pushed a button and Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’ started playing and the disco ball started to spin. I couldn’t carry on and had to leave.
The unhappy ending
About a decade ago, I hooked up with a Spanish guy after a night out in Dublin. We went to his place and had a couple more drinks. My date was kind of okay, until his roommate from Mexico arrived, who was much hotter. I ended up in bed with the Spanish guy, but there was not much going on until the Mexican guy came in for some unknown reason. I persuaded him to join us, which he did for a couple of minutes, but I didn’t realise that this must have been awkward for both of them. So after the Mexican left the room I kinda wanted to leave the Spanish guy immediately, which I did shortly after. Let’s blame it on the drinks, I felt mortified.
The hairy hippie
When I was around 21, I was at a cozy party at a student house. One of the guys there took quite an effort in getting my attention and getting me drunk. He looked like one of those 90s hippies, with a huge hair knot, and I suspected there was an exceptionally long ponytail hidden there.
As I was exclusively into buzzed sporty “ladz” at that time, he was absolutely not my type, but that was irrelevant to me while we were just chatting. When the after party was over, he invited me to his room for tea where we continued the nice conversation we were having on his bed. I must have been fallen asleep, but when I woke up, it was because there was a tangle of ticklish, patchouli-smelling hair all over my face and chest.
Even more horrifying, all that hair was moving around, licking me and even moaning. When he kissed me, I realised it was him with his long tail lusciously unknotted for the occasion. I almost lost it. I had no other response but to throw him off me, grab my clothes and rush out in blind panic while mumbling some lame excuse.
It was about 10 years later when my ex invited me over for a dinner party to introduce me to his new boyfriend; a witty and handsome guy with a buzzed head. I didn’t recognise him at first, until a slight scent of patchouli hit my nose. An enjoyable evening awaited us…
The kinky poet
I met a guy on PlanetRomeo and went to his place. He was a nice guy, and though there wasn’t much of a spark between us, we talked about lots of things, including his love of poetry. He had some kinkier interests too, including nudism and fetish wear. He showed me his collection of outfits and persuaded me to try on one of his long latex gloves after I politely declined his offer to slip into a mankini. Just when I was getting ready to leave, the evening took a rather bizarre turn of events, as he offered to recite one of his favourite poems to me while wearing nothing but a fairly see-through metal thong. It was an awkward couple of minutes and I didn’t really know where to look. But needless to say, there was something kind of hot about it, and we ended up in bed shortly after. Obviously.
Black is the new orange
When I was 19 or 20, I lived with my parents and the Internet was still in its early stages. I met an older guy online who lived in the city and, after chatting for several weeks, he convinced me to take a train to meet him. I agreed, and started thinking about what to wear. I was afraid I’d look too provincial so I ended up going through my mom’s beauty stuff. This is where things started to go wrong.
The morning I was supposed to leave, I put some self-tanning cream on my face. Every inch was covered and it gave me some extra confidence. But an hour later, I didn’t see any difference. Where was the tan promised on the tube? So I decided to put on some more of the magical cream. After all, what could be wrong with an extra tan? Well, this is what I found out a few hours later, while sitting on the train.
Before arriving, I wanted to check myself, so I went to the men’s room. What a nightmare. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I had simply turned black! There were brownish marks here and there and my eyebrows had turned into a colour I had never seen before, something between orange and black and brown. I looked disgusting.
So my train arrived and I went to meet my date in the station hall. He was kind and polite and pretended not to notice my skin problem. In the end, we had fun, and once we were both more at ease, he asked about it. I told him the truth and we just laughed. All these years later, I still stay away from self-tanning creams.
So there you have it – 9 of our eyebrow raising dating stories. Hopefully they prove that while it can be unfortunate when dates go a little wrong (or get a little weird), you’ll always end up with a funny story at the end. Happy dating guys!