27
Dec

 Krystella’s Homoscopes

 Taking Capricorn by the Horn

Krystella has many talents, predicting the future, forgiving the past, reading the stars and, of course, handling horny goats. In her enormous wisdom, Krystella has seen fit to share her intimate knowledge of the 12-star signs with everyone on PLANETROMEO. This month, she’s taking Capricorn by the horn. So get ready for an intense reading of the fish goat’s destiny.

Element: Earth

Ruling Planet: Saturn

Erogenous Zone: Knees

Best Traits: Ambitious, Patient

Worst Traits: Opportunistic, Overly Cautious

 

My Darling Romeos,

The Zodiac has moved to Capricorn. It’s now time for all of y’all goatfish creatures to stand up and be counted, or swim up and be counted, whatever it is that you fish-goats do to get around. We all know a Capricorn, and some of us might even be one, more’s the pity. My sympathy to you and to those who must suffer your single-mindedness or blind ambition. It’s tough being a Capricorn, but it’s even tougher being in love with one.

Since before you dropped into the world from out your mama’s pussy, you was designed to focus on goals and achieve them. As an adult, this drive lights the fire in your career, and as you climb the ladder of success in your flaming heels, you burn the bridges to your family and partners. Where’s the affection gone?

When your family or your boyfriend finally do get to see you, your shining personality means the long absences are soon forgotten and forgiven. You’re a charming bastard and your hysterical sense of humor should be illegal. If you’re in a good mood, the world sings in harmony, but on bad days, you have a face like a smacked ass and a handbag full of shit. If things suddenly ain’t going your way, you have two choices – roll with it and trust the universe or fight against it and plunge into darkness. This is one of the few times you ain’t predictable, it’s either roll or fight – each time you react differently.

2016 was a year of shocks and hard knocks for gays everywhere. Cher hit 70, Bowie bowed out and we still ain’t clear on whether Alaska Thunderfuck deserved to win RuPaul’s Drag-thingy, so you was a basket of uppity ups and down diddy downs. You know what I mean!

Saturn is the ruling planet of Capricorn and if you ain’t been to Saturn yet, let me tell you it’s a heavy place. It’s like Cuba in the 80’s, filled with hot guys but they got nowhere to go. Saturn comes with strict rules and expectations, that’s why Capricorns are tough on themselves and tend to overachieve.

And sex? They’re kingpins in bed. Oh lordy, if a Capricorn decides to grant a man the joy of a blowjob, it’s gonna be the best sausage suck of his life. It can last for hours and be earth shattering, ground breaking, testicle licking goodness. The trouble is they don’t have a lot of sex – it’s quality over quantity. Usually, their career goals and general uppity nature make it hard to git those suckers in bed. If you want them, you gotta get in there early and be prepared to wait. I’m talking as many as three full dates before you get to tuck and suck. Lord knows I likes me a challenge, but Capricorns can be too much, unless he’s packing a big tin opener to pop my tuna tin – then a girl can wait. So, bring your favorite glamorous dildo, just in case. The night’s can be lonely.

When it comes to health, Capricorns’s are a gay stereotype, hanging out too much in the gym, eating protein and having anonymous ‘interlubes’ in the steam room. Delicious, anonymous ‘interlubes’, reminds me of my time in New Orleans, but that’s for another day. A man’s gotta get his tension out somewheres, and I don’t mind being the ‘where’ for his ‘in-tensions.’ Hear what I’m saying?

OK kids, I gotta go check in with Prince and Bowie, they’re having a welcome party for George Michael and Princess Leia, so they needs to ask me about party snacks and celestial lube.

Until Next Time Bitches,

Kiss it til it’s wet,

K

kristella-portrait

 

Move-In Material – Taurus, Pisces, Virgo

Explosive Booty Blasting Chemistry – Scorpio

Beware of Trainwreck – Aries, Sagittarius, Leo

Best Bros Forever – Capricorn, Cancer

Hungry for more Homoscopes?

Check out

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Heres a pic of our favourite famous Capricorn

Betty White


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