Krystella’s Homoscopes

 Heavenly Servant Aquarius

Krystella has many talents, finding beauty in lost places, seeing hope in catastrophe, reading between the sheets, and, of course, sipping wine from the jugs of young men. In her enormous wisdom, Krystella has seen fit to share her intimate knowledge of the zodiac with everyone on PLANETROMEO. This month she’s focused on the Heavenly Servant Aquarius.

Check out 2 of our favorite Aquarians

Alan Cumming & Justin Timberlake


My Darling Romeos,

Let me be direct, you are a lecherous one, Aquarius. Is it because Venus was resting in your House of Love or does it just come naturally? With you, it’s always lust. A lot of the time that’s perfect! I love it, darling!

Keep that edge all the way to the bed! I love an edgy foxy lover. My Aquaman always had sex on his mind. He was a cross between James Dean, Justin Timberlake, and John Travolta fighting for control inside of Taylor Lautner – all Aquarians! His full lips whispered promises of wet warm mysteries, and he walked as if he owned the world. His attitude kept him young, fresh and beautiful. He’d react to my slightest touch and start getting all lusty. He couldn’t stay calm and, like most eager beavers, he was at the finish line long before the horses even left the gate. In that case, I guess you’d say the Aquarius gay man is ahead of his time.

He knew he was different at a young age; different because of being gay, and different because he’s utterly bizarre. Sometimes Aquarian men get this dumb ass look in their eyes, like they’re having an out of body experience and just watching life pass. Yes, some are plain crazier than clowns on crack, but most of them are just so detached it’s best you tie a rope around their ankles, so they don’t float off yonder – away from earth, and away from themselves, too.

Aquarius men tend to live in the safety of their imagined future. They believe tomorrow’s world will improve, and be much fairer and more humane, than the world of today. Brilliant thinkers can be awe inspiring and will do great works to make the universe a better place for all of us. These fellows can be awe-inspiring. Consider Charles Darwin, Galileo, the lips of Gerard Piqué, and Charles Dickens.



Great thinkers? Intimacy is not their specialty. When it’s just the two of you, talking about your plans for the future, he’ll refer to ‘we.’ For example, you might find your adorable selves snuggled up at a coffee shop. First, he looks you deeply, lovingly and longingly in the eyes, and just as he opens his mouth to say the words you’re dying to hear, a dirty, stinking homeless man walks nearby, mumbling nonsense and smelling of old pee. Aquaman stares after him, and whispers in your ear, “we should love each other. I mean, we should all just love each other and things like this wouldn’t happen,” he says, nodding towards the stinky man. Your hopeful glass heart goes crashing to the coffee shop floor in slow motion, only to end shattered in shards on the floor. You need to understand that his ‘we’ will include any passerby who might have seen you two talking privately. Aquaman’s ‘we’ can include all the fishes in the ocean! These men mean well, but it’s very distracting.

You see, Mr. A gets so caught up in ideas and concepts that involve “the world” that he has a hard time communicating one-on-one. His mind is his greatest asset and worst handicap. His ideas are bigger than life itself, and idealistic. He thinks rationally and reasons every bit of emotion out of everything, and that overactive brain cancels out his feelings too. It’s hard for him to listen to his feelings and act on them. Even when he tries, he’ll talk himself out of it halfway through.

So what saves this poor, gifted soul? His friends. Thank the stars above, Aquaman’s saving grace is friendship – it’s the most important thing to him. His friends pull his emotional side out and teach him to deal with people he loves on a more personal level. He can often become a more passionate lover after a night out with friends. The challenge for Aquarian men is to understand how to relate to the people closest to them, using their hearts, not their heads. 

Kiss it til it’s wet,





Move-In Material – Aries, Gemini, Leo, Libra

Booty Buddy Chemistry – Virgo, Sagittarius 

Beware of Trainwreck – Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio

Best Bros Forever – Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces

Element: Air

Ruling Planet: Uranus

Erogenous Zone: Calves and Ankles

Best Traits: Logical, Easy Going

Worst Traits: Closed-off, Temperamental


 Scorpio – Sagittarius