Matthias and Alex – Open Relationship
We speak to Matthias and Alex, a couple living in Berlin and Milan who have opened their relationship. We’ve been exploring different kinds of gay relationships, like; Open Relationships, Juggling, and Toxic Friendships. We also explored different relationship models like Monogamish and Polyamory. There’s a lot of different ways gay guys can date and fall in love, we decided to speak to a couple about how they manage their open relationship as one example.
How do you define your relationship, is it open, monogamish, polyamorous, or something else?
A + M “We would define it as an open relationship now.”
Have you been this way from the start or was there a period of evolution?
A + M “At the beginning it was monogamish but after a while we opened it, especially because we are having a long distance relationship.”
Related: We interviewed Matthias previously about modelling and living in Berlin.
Who first brought the subject up?
M: “After a long period of not seeing each other we had to talk about it.”
A: “Well, I would say that we both decided to open our relationship even though it was hard for me but I decided to do it.”
Are there jealousy issues/How do you avoid jealousy in a relationship?
M: “At the beginning there was some jealousy but it got less. We don’t tell the other one every single guy we are having sex with.”
A: “I agree with Matthias, I’m the jealous guy (laugh). But it got less and less but you know… I’m Mediterranean, so I will always be a little bit ‘jealous’.”
What are the rules of engagement? Can you sleep with the same guy again and again? Do you play together separate? Etc.
A: “Of course we can basically do whatever we want if it comes to just sex and of course when we are together we don’t play separately.”
M: “To be honest I prefer more to meet “fuckbuddies” instead of total strangers. For me, the personal component is also important. Sex with someone you have a connection with, is way nicer, and relaxed, than with a stranger who is maybe acting weird, in a way you don’t find exciting.”
This interview was refreshingly honest
What are the benefits for either of you?
M: “Our relationship became more relaxed I would say. Love is more important and sex can be just sex.”
A: “I totally agree with Matthias. Love is way more important than just random sex on the weekends.”
Does it lead to polyamory?
M: “Not necessarily. In our case I would say no. Having a threesome (odd numbers are never good) can be hard enough and having two boyfriends… I’d rather not think about. (laugh)”
A: “Nah, it’s not really my thing either. :)”
Is this your first time being in a relationship like this one?
A: “Yes, for both of us.”
Have you ever had a monogamous relationship?
A: “Yes, I just had one closed relationship in my life.”
M: “In the past I only had that. I had three noteworthy relationships.”
Would you ever consider being in a polyamorous relationship (3 or more)?
“As we said in question 7: nope.”
How do people react when they discover you are open?
M: “I think there is still a gap between most homo- and heterosexual perception. In the gay world it is more common and mostly accepted. Of course you get some messages like “no sex with couples” or “no partnered ones” and so on but they are rare. The heterosexual relationship structures are still more conservative but this is also something Hollywood, Disney, Telenovelas and the church are telling people: Find the ‘perfect’ partner* for the rest of your life and sex with others is forbidden.”
A: “This is a good question. Living in Berlin, it might be easier to explain how an open relationship works, but when I tell my friends from Milan or also my colleagues, and straight colleagues, they are always really surprised. They can’t imagine how an open relationship could work. It took time for me to accept to have my first open relationship, but since then I couldn’t ask for more. If there is love as foundation, sex, at the end of the day, is just sex.”
Love or sex?
Which is more important for you, love or sex?
When it comes to relationships, there’s no one model or arrangement that can claim to be the best. We can decide to pursue monogamy, openness or anything else as long as everyone involved agrees. If you are in a polyamorous relationship, or have experience in an open relationship, please share your story with us. We’d love to speak to more couples, throuples, grouples, and single guys, or monogamous couples, to give a broader picture of love.
Are you in a relationship/single/other? Would you like to talk to us about it? Email us; firstname.lastname@example.org