Aries – The Horned Ram
Each month our resident clairvoyant, Krystella, reads the stars to bring you a message of love, sex and prophecy. This time she’s got her hands full with Aries, the Horned Ram. In her true wunderkind style, she’s even found time to make predictions for all 12 signs of the Zodiac. This time its the full spread.
Check out two of our favorite Aries Guys
James Franco & Robert Downey Jr.
Ruling Planet: Mars
Erogenous Zone: Head, Face, Neck
Best Traits: Brave, Thoroughly Unjaded, Energetic
Worst Traits: Oblivious, Dominating (see caveman), Dangerously Impulsive
Hey Horny Rams,
Makes me remember all those steamy nights, being chased around the club by some man who wouldn’t take “NO” for an answer. By the end of the evening it finally dawned on me that I was dealing with an Aries man. They don’t know what ‘unattainable’ means. Mr. Ram thinks: the harder to get, the more they want it, and that the harder he works the sweeter his reward.
Love, Conquer – Repeat
But, they give as good as they get. I had a thing for an Aries man too. Once he knew I was even a little bit interested (Ma’dear taught to never show all the cards in my hand), he began to tease, lead, and challenge me right into the bedroom. It was fun for a while, but I knew it wouldn’t last. That Aries man just wanted to conquer my love and move on. Luckily that night I was willing to open the door and let his army march right in, and plunder and pillage all that he could find and wanted. I learned the hard way why their zodiac symbol is the ram. Bang-bang is not just the sound of a gun. Whew!
Big Brave Ram
I could tell by the way he seemed to own the club, and my bedroom, that it wouldn’t last. So, if you’re looking for monogamy in a relationship with a ram, then you might end up on the corner of Tears Road and Drama Avenue. Long-term relations require that you both reach a balance while being a couple. Aries men want a partner who knows when to fight and when to let the Aries man play the Big Brave Ram.
Rams love to play roles. They can be strong, butch, decisive daddies even when wearing a dress and pumps. Their role playing needs to be obvious because subtlety is not one of their strengths. They like to be in control of their destiny and never admit that they are clueless, so he’ll need to become his own boss before he can boss you around. And he will, sugar. But, don’t let it get you down. He’s got a big heart, and he’s honest to a fault. He’ll even tell you little white lies just to see you smile and to get you into bed quicker. So, if only one man in the club compliments you on your leopard skin leotard with faux pearl thong, it’s most likely an Aries.
Don’t let the sex frustrate you because Rams like to just conquer, run and take the flag. So my tip to you is to take control of the foreplay. He’ll listen to you because he wants to be known as a generous lover. Calm the Ram down to make the passion last longer. A healthy Ram is always ready. So when your banana-love is all ripe and good to go, unleash that Aries man, that ramming god, and let him turn you into a man-smoothie.
We could all take lessons from Mr. Aries about being (straight)-forward, direct and upfront. There’d be fewer wars and fewer of those vicious going-nowhere-fast catfights. The Ram is who he is, admits his shortcomings. He’s an innocent who wants to do it his way, without lying, cheating, and stealing, and still, make it to the top.
Krystella, The Fortune Tella’
Move-In Material – Sagittarius, Aquarius, Cancer
Booty Buddy Chemistry – Leo, Gemini, Aries
Beware of Trainwreck– Scorpio, Libra, Virgo, Capricorn
Best Bros Forever – Taurus, Pisces