Gotta Date ‘Em All: Gay types as Pokémon
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few weeks, you’re probably no stranger to the latest craze sweeping the globe. Pokémon Go has got all of us on our feet and scouring our neighbourhoods in a quest to catch ’em all (although if you’re looking for another app that helps you discover some hornier wild beasts, look no further than your beloved PlanetRomeo ?). If you’re having difficulty catching anything but Pidgeys and Rattatas, try looking to the big gay world around you for some new ideas – and here are some of our Poké-gay crossovers to get you started…
The Discreet Guy
There’s probably no face pic on the Discreet Guy’s PlanetRomeo profile, instead he’ll have a well-angled shot of his body or a photo of his cat. If the camera is level with his face though, you can bet it will be obscured by a hand, some shadows or – if he’s anything like his Pokémon double Cubone – a big old skull. Like Cubone, the Discreet Guy is shy and easily scared off, so be gentle when approaching him. And if you want to catch yourself a Discreet Guy, don’t ask him to reveal his face until he’s ready – that will only send him running!
Although Kangaskhan is a rare Pokémon, thankfully, you should have no trouble finding yourself a Daddy. Like a Kangaskhan, Daddies are loving, protective and always willing to put you first. If you’re the kind of guy who needs a little looking after, Daddies offer constant attention and affection while asking for very little in return. And if you’re lucky, perhaps he’ll carry you around in his pocket, just like his Pokémon equivalent.
The Drag Queen
Striking, colourful and bold, the Drag Queen is never afraid of being the centre of attention. A born show-off, the Drag Queen prides themselves on their array of colourful, flambuoyant outfits and eye-catching antics. Like Aromatisse, the Drag Queen is elegant but deadly, able to deliver a withering putdown to anyone who stands in their way. They can also be recognised by a variety of smells, including heavy perfume, alcohol and cigarette smoke.
The Attention Seeker
If you’ve ever been in a gay bar – or any other bar, club, restaurant or public space really – you’ve probably encountered the Attention Seeker. Although they mean well, and generally just want to entertain, constant attempts to steal the limelight can get frustrating. Like Jigglypuff, the Attention Seeker mesmerises those around him with with his cute appearance and sociable nature, refusing to let people take their attention elsewhere – even if this results in them falling asleep. As with Jigglypuff, the Attention Seeker will go to any lengths to keep the spotlight on him – at least until someone politely (or not so politely) asks them to give it a rest.
The Fighting Couple
We all know one couple who refuses to keep their private life private. Instead of having their arguments behind closed doors, they seem to relish fighting in plain view of everyone else – making for awkward social situations. Like the two-headed Doduo, when there’s a conflict of interest, the Fighting Couple is happy to fight for as long as their energy allows. But what’s particularly frustrating is that these problems are rarely resolved and, as a result, the same arguments break out again and again. It can be entertaining to watch for a while, but once they start tearing chunks out of each other, you start to realise why being single isn’t so bad after all.
The Twink Hunter
The Twink Hunter knows what he’s doing. When he goes out, it’s with the aim of snaring himself a twink – preferably two or three. A seasoned huntsman, the Twink Hunter knows all the right moves to get what he wants. He might buy the twink a drink, sidle up to them on the dance floor, wait until they’re separated from the rest of the pack – and then he’ll make his move. Like Victreebel, the Twink Hunter is a territorial creature and can get aggressive if other poachers move in on his territory. Also like Victreebel, he’s a ruthless master, and once he’s got his twink, he’ll chew him up and quickly move on to the next.
The Gym Bunny
It will come as no surprise that the best place to catch a Gym Bunny is at the gym, but they are also regularly found in a variety of other places, including nightclubs, festivals and anywhere they’re permitted to remove their shirt. But while their muscles can be intimidating, like Machoke, the Gym Bunny is always willing to use his strength for good. Ask him for help lifting heavy furniture or for a bit of protection on a night out and he won’t say no – so long as he can keep his shirt off, of course.
Like Granbull, while pups might look intimidating, they’re surprisingly affectionate and loyal. While they are mostly timid types, Pups can be territorial and will fight if their handler is in danger. However for the most part, once you get past the mask and layers of latex, Pups are cuddly, playful and social guys who only want to be your friend – provided you’re good at belly rubs.
The Jealous Boyfriend
Naturally suspicious, the Jealous Boyfriend only has eyes for one guy – and you better stay away from him. Unlike the Fighting Couple, the Jealous Boyfriend won’t argue with his other half, but will defend him aggressively if he should spot another guy giving him the eye. Like Watchog, he has keen eyesight, is constantly on edge, and is able to see in the dark – perfect for spotting incoming predators in a nightclub. If you should encounter a Jealous Boyfriend, the best thing to do is run away – they’re surprisingly ferocious and won’t back down without a fight.
The Baby Gay
Young, innocent and eager to learn, the Baby Gay is a newbie to the gay scene and will need some looking after. Take him under your wing and show him the ropes – and make sure you keep him away from Twink Hunters. Like Caterpie, the Baby Gay may shed his skin multiple times, experimenting with his sexuality and exploring the exciting gay jungle before finally settling on an identity. But while the Baby Gay may be cute and innocent now, like Caterpie, given a little time, he’ll transform into a beautiful butterfly and become to the star of the show all on his own.
And there you have it – 10 gay types that prove us guys can be just as exciting as any Pokémon. So next time you’re looking round your neighbourhood for that Geodude or Zubat, remember that there are plenty more exciting creatures ready right in the palm of your hand…