Ex-sex: Part 1, Smell Familiar?

Ex-sex, let’s be honest, is often a bad idea. It can open old wounds, leading to pain and confusion. That said, nearly everyone has had some experience of hooking up with an ex. There are the unusually strong-minded few, who see a break-up as a break-up and never cross back over enemy lines. Then there are those prone to falling back into bed with an ex. They may get burned, but also may have greater closure.

Self-care and adequate time to heal after a break-up are the two most vital elements of a healthy recovery. Ex-sex can really fuck with all that hard work. Few of us are strong enough to sleep with an ex and avoid any emotional consequences.

With all of that in mind, it’s pretty clear that ex-sex really is a bad idea, and yet, it happens. When it does, it’s important not to get stressed out with feelings of guilt or responsibility. You’re both adults and therefore both responsible for your own emotional safety and experiences. Falling back into bed with someone you had a connection with is understandable and more common than you’d think. You just need to be sure you can handle it, and if you can’t, that you’ll be able to get out in time.

No fly zone.

There will be some exes that you just have to stay away from. The relationship was too hard, or what happened between the two of you was too painful. You are bad for each other. You guys do not qualify as good ex-sex candidates. Be honest with yourself and just say, “it’s not worth it”. As time goes by you will meet nicer guys and have better experiences. Don’t waste any more time on the guys who brought you only pain. Focus on the guys who helped to celebrate your story.

You are the main character in your own real life adventure, and you get to choose who can come on that journey with you. If you think like this, you can take a greater sense of control and authorship in your own narrative.

Are you up for it?

You meet by accident, decide to be civil and end up talking. With an ex you already have history. You know his body inside out, and he knows yours. You know exactly what to expect. Depending on how long ago you broke up, nostalgia may have entered the arena of thought, memory, and logic. Memories come flooding back, but only the good ones. You start to imagine or remember him naked, then you smell his amazing smell and things escalate. You suddenly forget he’s argumentative and totally ignore all the reasons you guys parted in the first place. Right now the horn is real and you want it.

Figuring out if your ex also wants a trip down Anal Lane, may be difficult. Perhaps he dumped you and you just can’t face the possibility of rejection again. In this case, you might wait for him to take the lead. But why wait? Be brave, initiate.

If you dumped him and have decided it’s time to bump and grind again, let him know. Take a risk, kiss his cheek for a few seconds too long, smell his beard or breathe heavily in his ear. The game of cat and mouse is unbelievably sexy between exes because of the history, the past, the pain, and the love that passed between you two. But mostly because it’s wrong.

When you both want it.

If you are both into it, you will figure it out pretty quickly. You both make a lot of unnecessary eye contact and extreme smiles. You say lovely things to each other like, “oh you always had a great sense of humor”, “I miss your cooking”, “You are an excellent kisser”, etc. In this scenario of extreme flirtation and interest, you guys either have unfinished business or you are both just turned on and in the wrong place at a horny time.

The potential pain and danger, in a very fucked up way, is part of the irresistible recipe that can make ex-sex so damn good. It’s also an enormous emotional risk and can lead to everyone getting hurt. The sex, however, can be phenomenal. You have to weigh potential cost of heartache with the physical satisfaction of awesome sex, and that’s a hard thing to do. It’s much easier when both parties are obviously up for it.

There are some instances when ex-sex can actually be useful and may even have the power to heal.It really only works for guys with a healthy state of mind and a good attitude toward sex. It can even be a handy processing tool in the aftermath of an emotional break-up. We have explored this healing potential in part two of this blog.

If you have an ex-sex story to share please send an email to and let us know. The second part of this blog will be made available next week.

Until then, take care of yourself and know your limits.

Much Love,