Ex-Sex: Part 2, Healing Sex

In part one of this blog, we looked at the emotional risk of ex-sex and weighed it against the potential for a really excellent steamy session. It’s hard to know if fucking around with your former boyfriend is worth the emotional risk. There are, however, some cases where revisiting an old flame can be good for you and can help in the healing process. We explore one way to use ex-sex for greater closure.

The healing potential of sex with your ex

So you tried it out, but love was not possible for you and this guy. The break-up was pretty messy; you were both dealing with feelings of anger, rejection, and failure. You tried really hard to make it work, but in the end, you both knew it was not meant to be. There may be a few closure conversations, some mutual crying and more feelings of rejection.

In this painful period you will, at times, be confused. You are letting go of a relationship and entering a phase of mourning. You will experience denial, anger, fear, acceptance, and, eventually, hope. The process is very real and very tough to get through. A lot of the time, you might be thinking, why didn’t it work out? Am I unattractive? Did I do something wrong? Your ex may be going through the same process. This self-doubt and trying to hang the blame on someone is really unhelpful. Whatever the reason for it ending, the reality is it’s over and you both need to heal and move on. If the sex was great, it can be even harder to let go.

Sometimes we confuse great sex with a great match and sadly this isn’t always the case. You might think that he must be your ‘Mr. Right’ because the sex is out of this world. In reality, you can have amazing sex with someone you don’t really care for at all. It’s actually quite hard to have ongoing phenomenal sex with someone you really like.

It’s easier to have amazing sex with a stranger, or a very recent ex, because sex is often framed as taboo or a forbidden activity. When you meet up with your ex to have a heartfelt, emotional closure conversation the situation can be charged. You smell his smell and it’s intoxicating. You lean in and kiss his lips – you hold the kiss and open Pandora’s box.

If he goes for it, it’s sexy time for everyone. If he doesn’t, it’s OK, you just broke up, and he won’t blame you for kissing him for too long – you won’t blame him for resisting. However, if he returns the kiss, you go from an emotional wreck to porn star fuck warriors in 0.5 seconds flat. Suddenly it’s not about right and wrong, it’s not about he said this, or you did that. It’s all about the sex. The relationship is over, you know it and he knows it. This sex event is purely physical and may help with healing. Maybe you always bottomed for him and now he is going to bottom for you – a parting gift. Maybe he always sucked your dick first – today you get to swallow his delicious man meat one last time.

To avoid further hurt, you should establish early on that this is just sex. Say things like “I want you to fuck my brains out and then you need get the fuck out of here”. Actions speak louder than words. Say it with your body, kiss, suck, grope, fuck until total satisfaction and closure has been achieved. At this point, it is advisable not to cuddle, pack up your shit and bail. If it’s handled correctly you will both feel better and can move along to the next part of life, safe in the confirmed knowledge that you are both sexy, attractive people. The focus moves to you not being a good match for each other emotionally, and while that’s a shame, the sex was almighty!

There are many cases where ex-sex works out perfectly fine, but of course, there’s always the risk of starting an emotional fire that scorches both of you. We have only looked at one example here, but there are many other ways to use ex-sex to heal.

It’s important to be careful with your heart, and his. Tread softly. If it’s good, enjoy that awesome sex. If it isn’t fun, get yourself out of the danger zone and back to your awesome life-story.

If you have an ex-sex story to share please send an email to and let us know. The first part of this blog Ex-Sex Part 1: Smell Familiar is available here.

Much Love,